Weight! Weight! …Don’t Tell Me!

A while ago, I wrote a post about the “reality” show More to Love. Even though I haven’t been writing about it, I have continued to keep up with it. I just haven’t written about it because, well, there’s not much else to say about it. (And if there is, then Fatshionista over at http://www.fatshionista.com/cms/ has said it all much better than I ever could.) All of the episodes run together: Luke takes a couple girls on dates, the other girls bitch to each other and try to make each other cry, the girls confess about how awful it is being fat, Luke uses the words “curvy” and “voluptuous” and “the future Mrs. Conley,”  the girls gush about how much they love Luke whom they barely even know, there’s an ending mixer, Emme appears, Luke boots a few more girls off the show, and then there’s a teaser for next week’s show. Everything that I said about my critique of the pilot has held true for all the following episodes because, really, the show hasn’t changed that much. I’m not sure what annoys me most, the objectification of people or the constant whining about weight.

The objectification is fairly cut and dry. The producers of the show are objectifying everyone because they don’t want to present these people as people, instead they want a set of one dimensional characters who will entertain viewers for about an hour. (Personally, I find people more interesting and entertaining than one dimensional characters, but I guess that’s what you get when you don’t want to pay for writers to actually come up with a series for you.) Luke is objectifying the women because he’s seeing them as eye candy and potential wives and not as human beings. The women objectify each other as nothing more than obstacles to be dispatched. And even Luke is getting objectified by the women because they all see him as a prize to compete for and win and not as a real person. Basically, it’s an hour of watching people being dehumanized while they dehumanize each other. (And so you’re probably wondering why I’m watching it at all. Well, I like deconstructing the show and seeing what it says our society thinks about love and about fat people and about fat people in love. Also, as bad as the show is, it does one thing right—it shows its audience what fat women look like and it presents them as beautiful, which is normalizing. That one good thing does not make up for the mess that the show is, but it is a tiny, tiny, tiny step in the right direction.)

The constant whining about weight, however, is getting on my nerves. In the pilot episode, it didn’t bother me so much. I actually kind of expected it. However, as the show as continued, it hasn’t let up. There’s always something wrong in these women’s lives because of their weight. And there’s only so many times that I can hear, “All of my problems are because I’m fat!” before I get bored and annoyed.

But at the same time, I understand the mentality because I used to think that way. It’s easy to think that way. Just turn on the television. You’ll see ads upon ads for makeup and weight loss products and spas, and all of them will be telling you that there is something wrong with every part of your body, which can only be fixed if you spend money on something to fix it. Just pick up a magazine. You’ll see the same ads. You’ll also see articles about some new diet that actually works or about all of the health problems that will befall you if your body type does not resemble a child’s stick-figure drawing. Go hang out in a high school, and you’ll hear a bunch of teenage girls of all body types bemoaning how ugly they look because of their hair and their face and their noses and their fat stomachs and fat thighs. You’ll also hear teenage boys crudely rating these girls’ bodies. Go hang out in a gym. You’ll hear women discussing their goals of how many pounds to shed that month. Go to the movies, and the only women that you will see on the screen are impossibly thin. Wherever you go, you see images or hear messages that tell you that your body is wrong and bad and it makes you unlovable. You are told that your body is particularly wrong and bad and unlovable if your body is fat.

So, I can understand why these women blame all of their problems on their weight. I used to do the same thing. Just a few years ago, I could have watched this show and said, “Right on, sister!” or “Amen!” whenever one of the contestants whined, “Dating is so hard because of my weight!” or “Because I’m a bigger girl, no one’s been willing to try to love me!”

And even now, I think that there is some truth to those sentiments. It is hard to be confident about who you are and how you look when you live in a world that does its absolute best to squash that confidence. It is hard to approach guys when you’re wondering in the small back corner of your mind, “Does he think I’m unattractive?” It’s hard to put on a short skirt and go dancing when you’re feeling self-conscious about your jiggly thighs. Maybe you know that beauty is just a social construct and not something absolute, but you also know that most of the world doesn’t realize that. Maybe you know that you are beautiful and loveable and totally sexy, but you realize that not everyone else is going to see you that way. It’s hard to feel beautiful, no matter how you look, when you hear guys (maybe even a guy that you’re dating or are interested in) discussing what is attractive in a woman and what isn’t. It’s hard! So, these women’s complaints do have some truth to them. I can understand why they think the way that they do, and I don’t think that they’re completely wrong.

What is wrong, however, is how these women seem to blame these problems on themselves. Many of them say that because they are fat, they have problems finding men who are interested in them. The implication in their statements is that the problem is with them and their weight and not with men and the standard of beauty with which society presents men. Several of the women have claimed that their past boyfriends have cheated on them because they are fat. The implication is that these men wouldn’t have cheated on them if they weren’t fat, so the problem is with them and their fat, not with the fact that their cheating ex’s were jerks. In other words, what bothers me about these women’s constant whining isn’t so much that they are whining. What bothers me is that when these women do blame all of their problems on their weight, they assign the blame to themselves! It doesn’t occur to them that maybe, just maybe, society’s perception of beauty is entirely too narrow. It doesn’t occur to them that society is at fault. No! They just assume that it is their fault that they are so fat and that if they weren’t fat, then they would have no problems at all.

But even if these women did place blame on society’s perception of them…well, the whining would still get annoying. There are only so many problems that you can blame on your weight, and when you start blaming EVERYTHING on your weight, you sound a little immature. How ‘bout instead of saying, “My last boyfriend broke up with me and the only reason that I guy would ever break up with me is because I’m heavy!” (because that’s the only reason that a guy would ever break up with a girl, of course) say, “My last boyfriend broke up with me because he couldn’t see what a great person I am and what a beautiful body I have!” or say, “You know what? I’m an awesome person inside and out and my ex was a good person, too. We just weren’t right for each other, but I know that I am going to find somebody who is right for me.” You could even say, “My ex and I just weren’t right for each other, but that doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with either of us. In fact, there’s nothing wrong with me at all, and I’m just fine the way I am, with or without a partner!”  Instead of saying, “My ex-boyfriend cheated on me because I’m so big,” say, “My ex-boyfriend cheated on me because he’s a jerk and I’m better off without him!” I don’t know the details of these girls’ past relationships, but the alternative answers that I’ve provided seem to be a bit more mature and a bit more reflective of reality than boo-hooing, “All of my problems are because I’m fat!”

I also resent these women’s assumption that they need a male romantic partner to validate their existence and tell them that they are beautiful. Yeah, having a boyfriend can be nice, but not having a boyfriend does not make you an unworthwhile person, contrary to what our patriarchy would have you believe. You don’t need a man to make you happy or feel good about yourself or have fun. You can have all that and be single. The show, however, doesn’t seem to be interested in sending out that message.

And yet, our society’s messages that there is something wrong with women’s bodies and that women all need a man to give them worth seem so pervasive that the women on More to Love can’t move past them. Even when they have Luke there telling them that he is attracted to them because they are large women, they are still insecure about their weight! And I can understand that. All of their lives, these women have been told that men are only attracted to tiny, emaciated, blond, big-breasted, blue-eyed women and that anything outside of that very narrow ideal is anathema to them. It’s hard to overcome a lifetime’s worth of programming, and it’s not going to be done immediately just because some large and rather dull man suddenly declares, “I like curvy, voluptuous women!” (And declares it so many times that I want to throw a thick, hardcover thesaurus in his bland face.) I can understand why these women are so insecure about their size, even when Luke tells them that they are beautiful because of their size. I know how difficult it is to believe a guy when he tells you that he likes your body and your body is so different from society’s narrow view of what is beautiful. I know because I’ve been there! So, I’m saying that I understand these women. I understand why they’re still insecure and why they probably don’t believe Luke when he says that he is attracted to them physically. I can especially understand that in this case, considering that Luke is giving these compliments to many women at the same time, and it’s hard for somebody to feel special when their partner is treating them as though they are one of many and not really special at all. (This is what I hate most about these types of dating show.)

But when I watch it on the show, I can also see how silly it is. Here these women are complaining about how fat and unattractive they are, and there Luke is chanting, “I like curvy, voluptuous women!” every chance he gets (and annoying the hell out of me with his unimaginative little phrase). Obviously, they have no reason to feel insecure about how they look when they’re around Luke, aside from the fact that he’s constantly judging them against each other. (Well, they shouldn’t feel insecure about how they look around anyone, anyway.) And yet they can’t seem to accept the fact that Luke is physically attracted to them. When they talk about their attraction with Luke, they always say that he sees them for who they are inside or that weight is not an issue with Luke. Okay, first of all, if a guy loves you for your mind and personality and character but doesn’t love you for how you look, dump him immediately because he’s not worth your time and affections. If a guy loves you, he better love what’s inside, but he also better love the package that it all comes in exactly the way it is! If he doesn’t, go find somebody who does. Secondly, if Luke requires a girl that he dates to be fat, then weight is an issue with him. It might not be an issue in the same way that it is with most guys, but it’s still an issue. My point: Luke has made quite clear (in an obnoxiously repetitive and ineloquent way) that he is attracted to fat women. The women still don’t expect him to find them attractive. And because of the social programming that they have been given all of their lives and because of the fact that Luke is sizing them all up against each other, I can understand why the women feel that way. However, it still looks ridiculous and illogical. It seems like they are making a conscious effort to remain insecure, which is absurd.  

And the absurdity of it all is why I’m so sick of hearing these women blame every single problem that they have on their weight. To some extent, I can understand it, but it’s just getting ridiculous. It especially seems ridiculous to me because I’ve been in these women’s position and I’ve gotten out of it. I’ve been able to say that I don’t fit the slim model that society has cast as beautiful, and I’m okay with that, because the problem is with society and not me. I’m freakin’ gorgeous, and if no one realizes that, then at least I know it and that’s enough for me. I’ve decided that I’m going to live my life with the same confidence that skinny women supposedly have. (But that most don’t have, because no matter what your size, our society will tell you that there is something wrong with how you look, which means that nearly every woman out there feels that there is something about her body that is absolutely hideous.) I’m going to wear the shorts and the short skirts. I’m going to go dancing and participate in other activities that require me to act sexy because I am. And I’m doing all of this without a man to validate me or tell me that I’m beautiful. Because I don’t need a man. Sometimes I’d like one, but I don’t need one. I can be happy and confident on my own, whatever my weight is. And honestly, I’m much happier this way than I was when I let my size hold me back and keep me from doing things. Sometimes it’s hard to keep up that confidence. Sometimes I do feel like a lumbering blob, and on those days, I fake feeling pretty, which can be difficult and frustrating (but is worth it, because eventually I believe myself). Sometimes it’s hard to honestly examine who I am as a person and how I need to mature instead of simply just making my size my scapegoat. Yes, it’s difficult, but in the end, it is much more freeing and satisfying to accept myself exactly as I am than to blame all of my problems on my weight. And I want to see a television show that presents that message and not the whiny message that More to Love is presenting, because I think my message would be much closer to reality than this supposed “reality” show.